I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
