Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
