I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
