When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
