you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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