I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
