i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
