I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
