Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
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I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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