I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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