I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just cut my nipple shaving
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weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
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Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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