How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
