seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
