The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
