you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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