she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
