This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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