I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
