You're my little dorito
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
