I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
