So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
