I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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