You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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