So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
