I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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