have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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