He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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