i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
