And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
