Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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