Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
