So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize