I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
They have beer where we have blood.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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