I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
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Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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