I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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