just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
