I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
