the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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