I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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