I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
