when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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