Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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