If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
