We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
