He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
