y did u give ur computer a hand job?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
