Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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