I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
