Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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