I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
