When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
