dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
