Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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