How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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