You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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