I have demons in me.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
