Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
